Anita's Letter

                                                            By John Jongwoon Lee

 My wife and I moved to the Vintage Terrace Senior Apartment in the City of Corona last spring with hope that it would be the last one in my life. Because we had been stressed with moving from country to country such as Korea, Japan, France, Switzerland, and the U.S.A. the company that I worked for 25 years had the policy of relocating every three years term its employee who were dispatched to overseas branch.  

What was the reason why we decided to move into this apartment? I think it is because of the name of Vintage Terrace attracted us. The word, ‘Vintage’ is means of high quality, classic and recognized. And besides it, I found out that people here are good too. Especially apartment manager, Saika, who is a very friendly person who knows her job. She and her team helped me a lot with the moving in and made us extremely comfortable.

Since I moved here, I made of rule walking along the driveway in the compound of the apartments every morning and evening. It is joyful for me to look up at the trees along the fence while walking. There are lots of trees such as slender Palm trees, colorful Crape Myrtle trees and Jacaranda. It makes me feel like walking in a forest of trees towering high in the sky.

I visit the clubhouse where the mailbox is located to check my mail almost every day. One day I saw a photo of a handsome old lady posted on the bulletin board together with a note. The note says, "This letter is one of the relics that Anita Coral left before she died."  It aroused my curiosity and I later found out that she was a lady who lived many years until she died in the same apartment room where I had just moved in. What a coincidence!

Anita's letter began with the title of 『For Those Who Loved Me. 』

When I am gone, release me, let me go. I have so many things to see and do. You must not tie yourself to me with tears. Be happy that we had so many years. I gave you my love. You can only guess how much you gave me in happiness. I thank you for all the love each have shown.

So, grieve for a while for me if you grieve you must. Then let your grief be comforted by trust. It's only for a while we must part. So, bless the memories that lie within your heart. I will not be far away, for life goes on. So, if you need me, call and I will come. Though you cannot see or touch me.

I will be near and if you listen with your heart. You will hear all my love around you soft and clear. And, then when you must come this way alone, I will greet you with a smile and say, “Welcome Home.” 

I was so impressed by her letter because it tells she will die soon but seemed not to be anxious about death, nor did she call for God.

In addition, she says warm words of love, trust, compassion, and hope toward her friends, even though good and bad things were bound to accumulate during the life in general. Anita also refers to the afterlife without saying even a single word of cliche heaven.

It means Anita lived such a beautiful life. The landscape left behind her death was neither lonely nor sorrowful. 

In general, people live with anxiety about economic changes of their daily life. Analysts, however, say that the fundamental human’s anxiety is based on worries about death. The anxiety exists in a suppressed unconscious form rather than a conscious side, and when faced with death, it takes off all embellishments and goes to instinct. And when faced with death, humans instinctively complain of regret and appeal to see the stars once more.

I envy the mindset of Anita who is facing death. To be honest, death means that everything disappears at the same time making life feel too vain. As I passed eighty-year-old, many thoughts about death often come to my mind. Will it be possible for me to die in peace? Wouldn't it be a burden to the rest of my family if I am barely surviving by relying on the lifeline on the bed because of serious illness? I committed to donate my body when I die. I am asking myself if my decision is right or not since I heard that the practitioners treat dead bodies rather disrespectfully,

I think life is like the process of choosing a road at a crossroads every moment. The last choice for the road you’ve never been to or death is entirely yours if you are conscious. As I try to prepare in advance while thinking about death, I naturally look back on my past life. I think I know what will be needed and what will be discarded for the rest of my life.

It seems that the most valuable thing to do is organize my belongings. And then apologize to those who have been afflicted with feelings of hatred, resentment, and harshness because of me. Secondly, expressing gratitude to those who are grateful to me and my family.

Lastly, I need to keep writing essays about my experiences and my thoughts that have been deeply cared for in my past nomadic life's journey and eventually publish as a book. I realize that I am living as if I will never die now. I know that I will die even if it does not happen right now. I don’t have much time left. I need to hurry.

Anita's letter makes me look back on how I have lived as a human being. In addition, it is believed to be a message that urges me to finish my life better than I started it with the time I have left.

How will my family and friends remember me after I die? Are those memories good or bad?

Even from right now, if I twist my thoughts for the betterment, turn them over, cut them, and attach them to create a new me, it will be much easier to face death.