첫사랑의 추억, 봄바람 타고

                                                                                                                김수영

     봄바람 타고 우후죽순처럼 꽃소식이 한창이다. 인적이 드문 시골 오솔길에 핀 이름 없는 들꽃이 비록 보잘것없이 초라해 보여도 나는 가만히 앉아 들여다본다. 꽃잎도 쓰다듬어 보고 이파리도 어루만져보며 꽃잎이 숨 쉬며 봄을 맞이하는 벅찬 감격의 소리도 들어본다. 그 속에 우주의 합창이 들려오는 소리에 화들짝 놀라 두근거리는 가슴을 주체하지 못하고 하늘을 쳐다보며 빙빙 돌며 춤을 추기도 한다.

     꽃 한 송이 한 송이도 좋아하지만, 무리를 이룬 꽃들도 무척 좋아한다. 온 산야를 뒤덮은 유채꽃, 매화꽃, 온 거리를 뒤덮은 벚꽃을 보노라면 황홀한 무아지경으로 빠져 무릉도원에 온 듯 착각을 일으키기도 한다. 유체 꽃은이곳 캘리포니아에서도 많이 보게 되는데 매화꽃과 벚꽃은 보기 드물다. 한그루, 두 그루는 볼 수 있을지언정 무리를 이룬 장관을 아직 보지 못했다.

     몇 년 전 한국에서 친구 둘이 찾아와서 동부 워싱턴 D.C에 벚꽃구경을 보러 가자고 찾아왔다. 그러지 않아도미국에 수십 년 살아도 벚꽃구경을 못해본 터라 얼싸 좋다고 손뼉 치며 가자고 했다. 한국에서는 벚꽃이 지천으로 깔렸는데 왜 이곳까지 와서 벚꽃구경이냐고 핀잔을 주었더니 동부관광 코스에 벚꽃축제가 금상첨화(錦上添花)로 끼어 있다고 했다. 나도 친구들과 합세하여 미국 동부관광을 하기로 했다. 나야 가라 폭포 등 여러 관광지를 들러보고 워싱턴 D.C에 있는 벚꽃축제에 참석하여 그 아름다움에 매료되어 눈을 떼지 못했다.

     흐드러지게 만발한 벚꽃을 보며 탄성이 터져 나왔다. 바람에 흩날리며 나부끼듯 떨어지는 꽃잎들을 보며 꽃비가 뿌려지듯 그 속을 거닐며 어린애처럼 환호성을 질렀다. 융단을 깔아놓은 듯 길에 깔린 꽃잎을 밟고 걸어가고 있었다. 마치 레드 카펫 위에 걸어가는 배우가 현란한 불빛 속에 박수갈채를 받는 것처럼 몽롱한 환상 속에 아득한 옛날로 타임머신을 타고 날아가고 있었다.

     추억을 더듬어 옛날로 거슬러 올라갔다. 첫사랑의 기억이 안개꽃처럼 피어올랐다. 대학 학창 시절 연인과 함께 창경궁에 놀러 갔다가 만발한 벚꽃을 보고 심취하여 눈물을 흘렸다. 감수성이 남달리 예민했던 내가 눈물을글썽이자 이유도 모른 체 불안해했던 그이는 이젠 이 세상 사람이 아니고 내 곁을 떠났다. 군대에 입대하기 전 꼭한 번만 만나 달라는 청을 거부하고 외면했던 나. 냉정하게 매몰찼던 나 자신을 돌이켜 보면 정말 철없는 철부지같은 행동이었다. 그렇게도 간절하게 한 번만 만나달라는 요청을 뿌리치고 그의 가슴에 못을 박았던 나. 돌이킬수 없는 과거지사가 되었는데 생각하면 가슴이 메어오고 후회가 막 급하다. 왜냐하면, 그는 이 세상 사람이 아니고 저세상 사람이 되었기 때문이다. 마지막 한 번만 만나달라는 소원을 왜 들어주지 못했을까. 군대에 잘 다녀오라고 작별인사 한마디는 할 수 있었는데…. 끝까지 나를 못 잊고 오매불망하던 그는 군대에 입대하여 일선지구근무 중 지뢰를 밟고 장렬하게 산화하고 말았던 것이다. 나 때문에 죽었다는 죄책감에 오래 시달렸지만, 하나님믿고 용서를 구하고 죄책감에서 해방되어 죄의 속박에서 자유함을 얻을 수 있었다. 그러나 사랑의 흔적은 내 가슴에 지워지지 않고 풍경처럼 매달려 있음을 어찌하랴.

     그와 마지막으로 만났던 벚꽃이 만발했던 창경궁을 잊을 수가 없다. 사람은 죽고 없어도 벚꽃은 매년 피고 지며 지난날의 아름답고 슬펐던 추억을 상기시키며 올봄에도 여전히 벚꽃은 피고 있으리라. 서울대학교 학생이아니라서 끝까지 거절했던 못난 자존심! 그 자존심을 그의 무덤과 함께 묻어 버렸지만, 그이는 아는 듯 모르는듯 무덤 속에 잠들어 있고 무덤 위에는 할미꽃이 여전히 피고 지리라.

     벚꽃은 추운 엄동설한을 이겨내고 온 힘을 다하여 인간을 기쁘게 해 주려고 저렇게 호들갑을 떨며 활짝 피어가슴을 다 들어내고 삼라만상을 끌어안고 호탕하게 웃으며 자기의 모든 것을 다 주고 있는데 …. 나는 무엇인가.

첫사랑

                                김수영

불현듯 못 잊어 생각이 나겠지요

꽃샘바람이 불어와도 흔들리며 피는 꽃 속에

땅속 깊이 묻힌 추억의 씨앗이 보이네요

창문을 두드리는 빗소리

가끔은 마음을 울리는 은은한 종소리

보일 듯 말 듯 고운 미소가 밀물처럼 밀려오다

썰물처럼 스르르 왔다가 가네요

추억은 무지개처럼 고운 꿈인 것을….

모래 위에 새긴 발자국처럼

파도에 쓸려 지워지는 미련인 것을…

우리네 인생도 한바탕 일장춘몽인데

사슴처럼 긴 모가지를 뽑고 가는 세월 아쉬워

추억을 노래하는 아리따운 양귀비꽃처럼….

어차피 지고 마는 꽃인 것을

석양의 노을인 것을……

눈물이 빗방울 되어 가슴을 흥건히 적시는

보슬비인 것을……

First Love 

All of a sudden,

Unforgettable sweet memories of you

Spring up in my mind from time to time,

Seeds of remembrance buried deep

Under the ground are visible,

Seeing a blooming flower swinging in the spring breeze;

Like the rain drops caressing the fragile window pane,

Like the bell tolling faintly touching my pathetic heart somehow,

Beaming visage is barely visible

And vanishes like ebb tide out of sight,

Upon flowing;

Reminiscence is a refreshing dream like the beautiful rainbow,

But it seems to be lingering regret swept away by the waves

Like the footprint in the sand,

Our life is too short to regret like spring flowers,

Even spellbound poppy flower singing past love songs,

Like the deer with the long neck will wither before long,                                                                                        

Like glowing sunset in the evening,

Like a drizzle soaking in the bosom with raindrops of tears.

*Translated by Soo Y. Kim